Graphic by Michael D. Fraley

Originally published November 4, 1999 in The Evening Star

ANGOLA - Professionals from law enforcement, the judicial system and a wide spectrum of
social services agencies gathered Wednesday at Pokagon State Park to coordinate efforts and
lay out plans to address the problem of domestic violence in the area.

It was a gathering the likes of which he has never seen in all his years on the Steuben Superior
Court bench, said Judge William Fee, who attended the event.

The event was a combined effort of domestic violence task forces from Branch County, Mich.,
and Steuben County. Close to 170 representatives from law enforcement, prosecution, courts
and probation, judges, social services, health care, mental health, education, the clergy and the
workplace attended.

Representation of Steuben County officials read like a "who's who" in the legal system,
including Angola Police Chief Donald Wenzel, Prosecutor Thomas Wilson, as well as dozens
of other key individuals.

Under the guidance of Deborah Tucker, director of the National Training Center on Domestic
and Sexual Violence, attendees packed what Tucker said was at least three days' training into
seven intense hours.

They spent the morning learning about the dynamics of domestic violence, how it manifests
itself and what defines a batterer. They also relived - through actual 9-1-1 tape recordings and
videos - the terror of domestic violence victims in Steuben County.

Officials then broke into groups in their respective fields and brainstormed ideas for
coordinating all the agencies' efforts to combat the rising tide of domestic violence.

Then, coming back together to review a short-term goal of what each agency could do by Nov.
30 and a longer-term goal of something they could accomplish by February, they laid out their
plans.

Workplace representatives said they immediately would try to provide referral lists to
management to use when assisting employees who need help. In the coming months, they will
develop written policies about violence in the workplace, then train and educate management
on the idea.

Educators said they will set up meetings with child protective services to set up dialogue on the
issue and learn how to respond to children's needs. They also will educate school
administrators, school boards, teachers and support staff about domestic violence and its
victims.

Mental health representatives said they will make sure their agencies have appropriate,
up-to-date screening tools for domestic violence and make sure the procedures and programs
they use for batterers are accredited.

Mental health agencies also will make sure their staffs are trained to use the screening tools, as
well as check into cross-training professionals in related fields.

Clergy and church leaders plan to get referral and resource lists for services available and
provide them to each church pastor. They also will prepare "emergency response kits" to
provide to each pastor.

Health care professionals also intend to coordinate referral lists of resources and services
available in the area. They also intend to find out what services are offered free of charge and
provide those lists to clients in every way possible - including posting the lists on public
restroom walls, because often victims have no other way of accessing help.

Each person who attended from social services agencies and domestic violence advocate
groups will make efforts to talk to at least one other person about the issue, then acquire or
make a video to show the public and raise public awareness of the domestic violence problem.

They also will look at the treatment plans and determine ways that they can improve the safety
plans for domestic violence victims.

Courts, probation officials and legal services immediately will enlist the support of everyone in
their agencies to identify barriers to combating domestic violence. They also will look for
funding to increase their services and network with prosecutors so they can better offer the
services.

They also will ask everyone in law enforcement and the judicial system to help them enforce
judicial orders such as protective orders.

Prosecution officials will assist victims in getting more support and tap into community
resources to get that support. They also will begin routine trainings with law enforcement
officials that will outline precise details needed in the investigative process - details that ensure
the batterer will be prosecuted and punished for his actions.

They also will look for ways to assist law enforcement in obtaining better evidence, including
finding funding for digital cameras and finding methods of preserving 9-1-1 calls for later use.

Law enforcement officials want to implement bilingual public service announcements about
the issue on radio, TV and in newspapers. They also want to purchase photography
equipment that will enable them to take the best pictures possible for evidence.

In Michigan, law enforcement officials will begin mandatory domestic violence training for
officers - Steuben County already has this training in place.

While the day was intense and jam-packed with information, it was only a beginning, officials
stressed. They will reconvene in February to continue their planning.

"I am so thoroughly excited about this," said Gail Waymire, executive director of the Branch
County Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Waymire also serves on the Steuben County
Domestic Violence Task Force and coordinated the organization of Wednesday's conference.

"First, the turnout was wonderful and second, the quality of the speakers' presentation was so
good," Waymire said. "The comments we're getting from participants has been overwhelmingly
positive and they are walking out of here prepared to take the next step, which is to develop a
protocol for each of their response areas."

Originally published November 15, 1999 in The Evening Star

*Names are changed to protect the victims.

AFTER THE FALL - Crystal* is a classic domestic violence victim.

Her batterer was a charmer before they married: He left roses on her pillow almost every day.
He was sweet and kind and attentive.

A wedding ring on her finger changed everything, however. He insulted and ridiculed her
friends until, one by one, she lost touch with them. Soon, her only friends were his friends -
because that's the way he wanted it.

He told her what to wear and how to wear it. He told her where she could go and whether she
could even leave the house. Because he accused her of "messing around" with other men when
she worked, she quit working altogether so the accusations would stop.

He told her she was fat after her children were born so, to please him, she refused to eat and
eventually became anorexic.

And, today, even though she is separated from him, she still fears him, still is afraid of what he
might do to her and their children. "He beats them when they have their visitation," she
explains, "although he does it in a way so it doesn't leave marks - usually on the head where
you can't find the bruises under their hair.

"They don't want to go with their dad - they beg not to - but the court says they have to so I
make them. I'm hoping to get a supervised custody arrangement, but that hasn't happened
yet."

Her friends and family used to call her "stupid" for staying with him, she says, her frail body
literally quivering as she speaks.

"But they didn't understand. He would threaten to commit suicide. He would cut himself up
and say I made him do it. He told me if I left him nobody else would want me.

"Every time he hurt me he would apologize and promise never to do it again, that things
would be better from now on, and I believed him.

"What made me stay? Hope. Hope for a better future. Plus, I didn't know I was being abused
for a long time. My family saw it. My friends saw it. Everybody saw it but I just slipped away
from myself. It just progressed.

"It was like, once I was somebody and then I was nobody. What made me keep taking it? Why
did I stay for so many years? Why did I keep trying to please him, to always try to think of
him with no concern for myself?

"Because I just wanted him to love me."

* * *

The five men seated in a circle on this night in an area church basement are not there by choice.

Every one of them has been through the court system and has been ordered by a judge into
this batterers' once-a-week, minimum 52-weeks-long program. Anyone who fails to attend
these meetings or who doesn't adhere to the strict rules imposed upon the group will go to jail
or prison.

And, each man here arrived at the first meeting thinking he didn't belong there.

Tonight's group is Phase 2 of a three-phase program. To get to this phase, each man had to
admit not only to the group, but to himself, that he is a batterer. For some, it took several
weeks to get to Phase 2. For others, it took several months.

To outsiders, an admission like this seems a simple one, but it comes hard to the batterers,
says Marilyn Chandler, executive director of Safe Haven, a shelter for domestic violence
victims in LaGrange County.

Chandler acts as co-facilitator for this batterers' program, called the M.E.N.'s Program, for
"Men Embracing Nonviolence."

"Our program is based on accountability and these guys have never been held accountable,"
Chandler says. "They have excuses, reasons for why they did what they did.

"I've probably heard 1,000 excuses, things like, She has an attitude. She provoked me.'
Probably the best excuse I ever heard was, I'm Italian, I can't help it.' Anyway, that's what
these guys walk in here with.

"That's why their very first assignment is to fill out their Do I Have a Problem?' sheets. One
side asks the men to answer yes, then list 10 behaviors about themselves that indicate they have
a problem.

"The other side asks the men to answer no, and to list 10 reasons why they don't think they
have a problem. Some can't come up with more than one or two things.

"Also, it takes them a long time to list specific accountable behavior on that list. For example,
I hit Suzy' usually starts out, I hit Suzy because she wrecked my car.'

"That's an excuse. It's not accountable. It takes a long time to stop them from making excuses.
Most of them just don't understand accountable."

* * *

The group is a serious bunch that has assembled with exacting punctuality - serious
repercussions can come from being even a minute late.

Solemnly, the group leader lights a candle on a table in the center of the circle of men and
dedicates it to "all the battered women and children, especially those who have been murdered
by their batterers."

Then, one by one, each person present, including the facilitators, dedicates the candle to one or
more battered women, by name.

After a long pause when the reporter asks them why they are here, Chandler suggests that they
read two reasons from their "Do I Have a Problem?" sheets.

Bob* goes first. "One reason I have to be in this class is because I choked Mary* during an
argument to the point she couldn't breathe anymore," he says.

"And, when we argued and I wanted her to quit, I would slap her." Why? "Because I wanted
to win the argument."

Jim* goes next: "When I think I'm right I spit in Sarah's* face and tell her she is wrong and
worthless. And, I attack her from behind and slam her down and kick her in the back of her
head several times."

Has he done this more than once? "Yes," he answers. Why? "To show her I was stronger than
her and she couldn't stand up to me. To show her I had control."

Was control important? "At that time," Jim says. "But I've learned that control is useless and it
gains nothing in benefits. You need to respect your wife or girlfriend."

Mike* prefaces his comments by saying he saw his father hit his mother when he was growing
up. "I knew I never wanted to do that and I thought, as long as I didn't do that, I was not a
batterer," he says.

Many years ago he slapped his wife, Chris,* "once," he says. "But then I broke her arm. Until I
went through Phase 1 of the program, though, I never believed these reasons were enough to
call me a batterer.

"But now I've seen that just being a physical batterer doesn't define a batterer. Being
disrespectful to your wife, treating that person as an unequal and a possession is battery, too.

"What I did to Chris, the non-physical tactics, were things like treat her like a child when I
didn't think she had the capability to make decisions.

"Also, I refused to fix a car for her, to keep her from going places without my approval. I
didn't like where she was going - to her mother's."

Dean* admits that he pushed Jan* down on the driveway and called her a stupid b.... during
an argument. "I didn't want her to leave the house at the time," he says.

"She was going to her mother's, too, like Mike's wife, and I thought she just was there way too
much. I've also hit her and choked her during arguments."

Why? "Because, at the time, I was either losing the battle or not getting my way. Group
showed me I don't have to batter to have a real life.

"Your family is more important than to hit to get your way," Dean says. "Plus, you don't have
to have your way all the time. It's not appropriate to batter. Alcohol was a factor in what I
did, but I won't say it caused it."

Will,* too, admits to trying to control his partner through physical abuse. "I kicked Linda* in
her rear end and threw her clothes outside because I wanted to show her she had to follow my
rules of the house.

"I just wanted her to know it was my house and if she didn't like the way things were, she
could leave. Deep down, though, I didn't really want her to leave.

"I was just seeing if she would. She did leave twice, but she came back. Also, when she did try
to leave after I told her to get the hell out, I would stand in front of the door so she couldn't
leave."

The men don't volunteer this information or their stories without showing visible, pained
expressions on their faces. At times they stammer and the words come hard.

At least one looks as if he is fighting tears.

Does the realization that they are batterers trouble them that much? "Yes," they all answer.

Then why are they talking to a reporter? Together, they fill in each other's sentences: To help
someone get help before it's too late, before a victim is hurt or killed, they say.

Think before you act, they say. Get help, they urge. And, they add, if just one batterer, just
one, recognizes himself through their stories - and admits he is a batterer - then their efforts
might be worth it.

They agree, however, that the possibility of a batterer recognizing himself is low.

Dean admits that, at first, he couldn't think of 10 things he'd done wrong to call himself a
batterer. In fact, he says, he considered just answering the other side of the "problem" sheet,
the side where he could give 10 reasons why he shouldn't be in this group.

It took him three or four weeks to admit he was a batterer, he says.

Bob admits that he was angry, at first, at having to come to this group. "I didn't think it was
my fault," he says. "I was still blaming my girlfriend at the time.

"I was saying, She made me do this. She asked for it. I even believed I did what I did in
self-defense. It took three or four meetings for me to admit I was a batterer."

It took Jim three months to admit he was a batterer.

But, once they realized they were batterers, did they know why they battered? "For the
personal benefit I would get," Bob says. "To be in control, to dominate.

"I wanted to keep her as a possession. I didn't want to be alone. I was scared she would leave
me.

"I just wanted her to love me."

In the next installment: more about the court-ordered counseling and the arrests that preceded
it.

Copyright Kendallville Publishing Company