Graphic by Michael D. Fraley

Originally published November 1, 1999 in The Evening Star

Names in this story have been changed at the victim's request

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS - Franklin and Stormy were childhood sweethearts.

From third grade, Stormy idolized him: four years older than she, Franklin was everything her
heart desired. She told anyone who would listen that, one day, she would marry him.

When she turned 18 her dream came true - she thought. "I ran away with him once, when I
was 15," Stormy says. "But I came back. Then, when I turned 18, we decided to get married.

"He never laid a hand on me until two weeks before the wedding."

She doesn't remember, exactly, the circumstances leading up to the situation. "But he slapped
and pushed me. I thought, well, he'd never done this before, so why would he do it again? So
we got married.

"I got pregnant right away. Then, about six months into the pregnancy he beat me. He beat
my stomach really bad, and I was so worried about the baby."

What happened? What changed to make Franklin so violent towards her?

"Lots of things," Stormy remembers. "If you didn't have supper fixed, if you didn't have the
dishes ridded up in the time he thought you should, if the phone rang while he was trying to
watch TV.

"It was his rationalization that this was all my fault. If the house wasn't clean, if the kids were
crying, I'd get hit. If he couldn't control everything, I'd get hit.

"And, he didn't just slug me. Once he came into a local bar after work and drug me by my hair
and took me to the car, where he held me by my throat and beat me.

"He thought I was running around. He didn't want me to go out in public. I couldn't even go
to the grocery store alone."

The fear of beatings roused panic attacks in Stormy, a physical manifestation of her stress that
caused her to hyperventilate and cry.

"At first I didn't know what caused this or what it was called," she says. "But, lots of times
when I was having one, he would beat me because I was crying - then I would thank him
because it took my mind off the panic attack."

The abuse went on for years. It affected her physically and emotionally. " I couldn't eat or
sleep," Stormy says. "I lost 50 pounds.

"But I wouldn't admit to anybody what was happening, even when the bruises showed."

The beatings stopped temporarily when Franklin voluntarily entered counseling.

"I was at the doctor's office once when a girl I hadn't seen since high school looked at me and
said, would I do her a favor. Then she told me to come to a meeting. I told her I couldn't, that
Franklin would never let me.

"But she said to tell him I was going to a Tupperware party, so I did."

The "Tupperware party" turned out to be a meeting of domestic violence victims. It was there
that Stormy found the strength to tell Franklin that either he reformed or she was leaving him.

Franklin agreed to get counseling. "He went for almost a year," Stormy says. "But then he
stopped and the beatings started all over, only now he was beating the children, too."

The control that obsessed Franklin is a sign of domestic violence behavior, says Debbie
Tucker, director of the National Training Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence.

Tucker, who will conduct a seminar on domestic violence Wednesday in Steuben County,
lectures nationwide on the dynamics of this type of abuse.

"Power and control. That's the psychology behind the battering," Tucker says. "Basically, men
batter women and use power and control tactics because it works - and they can."

The dynamics are easy to point out: the power part comes from asserting themselves in
various ways, showing their spouses who's "boss."

The control part comes from how the man exerts his power assertions and how he manages to
make the woman do what he wants her to do.

"It does work for them to achieve their objectives through these two things," Tucker says.
"One thing that is still so puzzling, though, is what contributes to raising men so they think
that their job is to control others, that they have some sort of responsibility to control
everything about their wives and children, instead of focusing on themselves."

An effective batterer doesn't have to batter every day. "Just a look to achieve the control he
wants shows that he is a very effective batterer who's made it very clear how to get his way,"
Tucker says.

The best partner is someone who wants you to be all you can be, Tucker says.

"But the key things that will clue you into a possible dangerous relationship in the future, or
that you are in one now are things like this," she says:

"He'll tell you how to dress, who to talk with and what to talk about, who to sit with at lunch.
He'll tell you how to wear your hair and make up.

"And, it's progressive. One of the biggest danger signs is if he is asking you to close yourself off
from other relationships and activities, then violence eventually may come to maintain that
power," Tucker says.

And, don't believe that just because the batterer hasn't struck his partner physically that
domestic violence hasn't occurred - or won't occur.

All domestic violence begins with verbal abuse, says author Patricia Evans in her book, "The
Verbally Abusive Relationship." The abuser intentionally will say things in public that hurt the
woman's feelings, that embarrass or humiliate her, all in an effort to control her.

And, this type of psychological manipulation can make just as much an impression on her as a
physical violence.

Abuse takes many forms, experts agree, including a disregard for the woman's feelings,
insulting her, her friends and family, withholding approval and affection upon condition of
her doing what he wants and continual criticism.

An abusive partner also will insist on making the woman's decisions for her, as well as trying
to control her actions.

He may act jealous or harass the woman by accusing her of romantic involvements - even
when those involvements are only in his mind.

He may lie to her and others in an effort to control her, as well as ridiculing her or even
women in general. And, finally, he may threaten physical violence in order to get submission
by the woman.

Sexual abuse is another form of domestic violence. In this case the man may insist on
unwanted sex and affection, even minutes after he's beaten his partner.

He might force her to take her clothes off, even when she doesn't want to, or call her names, or
force her into unwanted sex acts.

All of these things exhibit the need to assert power and maintain control over a woman - and
none of them have to be things that anyone should have to live by or fear, experts say.

Next: more explanation of the psychology of abuse.

Originally published November 4, 1999 in The Evening Star

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS - He is the Prince Charming of every woman's dream.

It sounds like a broken record, hearing the same old account in describing the "typical"
batterer's profile - if typical even is a good word for it.

But the dynamics are that the typical batterer often displays a different face not only to the
public but to his victim, both in the beginning and alternately between the abuse he hands
down to his victim.

He is charming. He is sweet. He is attentive. He's the model man in the public eye - and, in the
beginning, to the woman who falls for him.

The charm is a batterer's tool, says Joyce Wright of the Michigan Against Women Training
Institute. Since a batterer can't be successful without exerting power over his victim and
maintaining that control, he needs a manipulator to aid him.

One very powerful manipulator is charm. Once he gains control of his victim, however, that
charm can turn ominous behind closed doors.

Whatever tactic he uses to get what he wants, be it physical, sexual or mental, the intent is the
same, Wright says: "To instill fear and to degrade and debilitate those you want to control."

To deal with these tactics victims are in a constant mental battle, weighing the pros and cons of
complying or not complying with their batterers' demands - as well as the consequences of not
complying.

Assailants, therefore, have an immediate upper hand because the victims never know what will
happen next. "They're just constantly weighing and second-guessing," she says.

When the second-guessing doesn't work and the batterer turns violent, he can manifest his
outrage in numerous ways, from spitting, choking and hitting to forcing offensive sexual acts
upon her.

What the victim thinks he is trying to achieve - her compliance on keeping a cleaner house,
presenting a more attractive face and figure, being a better mother or just cooking a tastier
meal - actually are just superficial manifestations of a batterers' true need.

And that only need, inexplicable as it is, is the need to exert power and maintain control,
Wright says.

While psychologists and professionals still can't understand exactly why a batterer has this
need, they do understand what he does to fulfill it.

He will isolate the woman and make threats against her, her friends and family, the children
and even the family pets or other animals.

He will minimize what he does and deny that it has anything to do with him: putting all the
blame on the victim, he will not accept accountability for what he does.

He will lie to investigators and turn on the charm to convince them that it is his partner, not
he, who has a problem.

Males who engage in this behavior simply are asserting their "male privilege," Wright says - the
idea that society expects them to be in control and full of power in a relationship.

Like victims, assailants come from all walks of life. They can be lawyers, doctors and dentists
as well as factory workers. They can be black, white, Hispanic.

They can be anything, Wright says: "What we don't know, though, is which ones will escalate
to murder and/or suicide."

Next: domestic violence officials outline victims' safety plans

Copyright Kendallville Publishing Company